When The Ice Melts
by Caira1
Summary: Elsa thought that once she learned to control her gift, the fears and anxiety would melt away as well. But it's not that simple. First time posting in more than 10 years, be gentle.


She thought that it was over now. That once she knew how to create and unfreeze the snow and ice, it would be over. The constant feeling – the NEED – for control. The anxiety of being in a ballroom full of people and knowing that she was absolutely, unavoidably different. She thought that having her sister's love back would make the tightness inside her melt.

It didn't.

In truth, she didn't even feel it creeping back upon her. It was a slow chill, like the spread of ice on the first winter's chill. She would watch Anna walking with Kristoff in the gardens, talking animatedly and gesturing with her hands and simply BEAMING up at him, and Elsa would feel as though her heart were glowing with joy. She would be in her study, going over the papers for running a kingdom, and she would smile as she could hear Anna singing as she ran down the hallway. She would be in council with the men from trade and Anna would sneak into the room, tripping on something, and offer a plate of sticky sweets for her sister. Elsa had never loved her sister more.

They opened the great hall and ate meals every day. She even began to talk with Kristoff, which made the ice man blush and Elsa laugh. They would play board games by the fire and Anna would swear that Elsa was cheating, and the games would evaporate into giggles and pillows being thrown. It was as though they were children once more.

But the slow creep came.

She began to wonder, to doubt. The white in Anna's hair was gone, but Elsa swore to herself that Anna's eyes had a touch of ice in their color now. She wondered if the ice had truly left Anna's heart, but was afraid to bring up the subject; the whole memory was tainted with guilt and blame, and it hurt to remember how she had struck out and harmed Anna. She would watch Anna and Kristoff embrace under the tree where they had picnicked as children and a twinge of jealousy would strike. No man showed interest in her like that; they respected her as their queen, but there were no proposals or courtship or flirting. She had once overheard the stable boys jesting over how her cold touch would melt the warmest cock, and she had fled silently in tears.

She was best left alone, she decided.

Her fingertips began to turn blue.

Elsa began to spend more time in her study, and in council meetings. Arendelle had a more successful trade and harvest than since before her parent's rule, and the people prospered. She would work long into the night, her pen scratching over paper and her fingers flicking thru books of governing and kingship and treaties. She would miss meals, miss taking walks in the sunshine, and she began to feel more cold than usual.

Anna came to her, begging her to come out and have tea with her in the garden or to start a puzzle or read a book. _Please,_ she said, _please, Elsa. I miss you._

"I can't."

She stopped hearing her sister's lilting voice in the hall outside her study. She stopped going to the window, afraid to see her and Kristoff. The blue in her fingertips spread up her palms and to her wrist, and she started at the delicate spirals in her skin and wept. She was cursed. She would always be cursed.

Kristoff came to her only once, to ask permission to marry her sister. She almost said no; the answer was on the tip of her tongue, but she stopped and studied the ice man. He was kneeling before her, his clothes nicer than anything she had seen him wear before. His hair was brushed and gleaming, his boots shined, his cap in his hands – he looked a proper gentleman. He was regarded well from everyone on the council, and he loved Anna.

"You have my blessing," she finally said, her smile fragile. Kristoff's face broke into the widest grin she'd ever seen, and he knelt to kiss her hand. He looked up into her face and the smallest frown appeared.

"Are you well, Queen Elsa?" he asked with hesitance, afraid to offend.

She pulled her hand back. "Of course I am."

They both saw the tiny snowflakes that fell from her fingertips, and his frown deepened with concern. She turned and fled from the room.

Anna and Kristoff were married with great ceremony a month later. Elsa appeared, but she did not touch her sister or her new husband, and she had donned her old gloves that came up to the elbow. She missed the sad look on her sister's face and she left the reception as soon as she could.

It snowed in her bedroom that night. She woke to ice melting on her cheeks.

The fear began to grow more inside of her. While she could still melt the snow and ice around her, it took more effort than before and left her feeling drained and empty. The snowflakes seemed to fall from her constantly, like Olaf's little snow cloud. She was terrified – she thought this wouldn't happen again. She would not let herself lose control and harm Anna again.

And so she locked herself in her study.

Anna tried to open the doors many times, calling to Elsa. She begged her to come out, she cried and asked to know what she had done to upset her sister, would she please open the door? Elsa placed her palm on the great wooden doors and the ice froze them completely solid. She called thru the door that she was busy, that she was needed elsewhere, and that Anna should go.

That day she nearly caused a blizzard in her study. She hated herself.

It was thru the castle's cook that she learned that Anna couldn't eat certain foods without vomiting, that she was craving salty seaweed with everything, and that she was expecting a child. A child – a prince or princess for Arendelle. Elsa had sobbed on the floor while a storm raged in the room, blowing papers and books and everything light around the room. She was locked in her icy prison of guilt, jealousy, and fear, and now there was no way to escape it. She had only herself to blame.

She drew icy patterns of cradles and baby booties on the large towering windows. She would make teddy bears of out snow and then melt them again, her heart aching. The blue had swirled up past her elbows and shown as though the ice in her blood were silver. She dreamt of holding the baby and having her touch turn it to ice. She dreamt of Anna screaming, of the baby breaking apart in her hands, and she woke up gasping for breath. The walls would be solid ice on those nights.

Occasionally she would glimpse her sister trudging thru the garden, her belly round and high on her small frame. But she didn't bounce and skip and smile like she used to; she kept her head down and her pace was slow. Once she looked up at the window, and Elsa ducked out of sight. She was terrified to see her sister's sad and accusing face.

And then cook came in with the news that Anna was in labor, and Elsa's heart stopped. She threw all her might into melting her great doors, and threw them open. She dashed down the hall to her sister's room… and found the door closed. Had she knocked, she would have been welcomed inside. She would have been there to speak with Anna, to apologize and comfort and support her thru the hard labor of childbirth.

But she didn't.

She raised a fist and saw the gloves, and the terror flickered thru her. She couldn't be here. She would harm her sister or her child, and she could never forgive herself if she did. She slowly walked back to her study and closed the doors.

The bells began to chime and people began to shout. It was a princess. A beautiful princess of Arendelle with blue eyes and her mother's red hair. The streets were filled with celebrations that lasted the whole night.

Elsa watched them thru her window, the tears trickling down her cheeks.

And then there was a loud bang on the doors to her study, and before she could rise from the window, the doors flew open. Kristoff stood framed in the doorway, his arms filled with yellow blankets and his eyes cold.

"Enough, Elsa."

She was stunned. "What did you say?"

"I said, enough. Whatever it is that you're doing, enough."

She began to grow angry. "Leave this room immediately."

He met her eyes, his as hard as the ice he worked with. "No."

"How dare you? I am the queen!"

"And this is your niece."

Without another word, he thrust the blankets into Elsa's arms and she stumbled, her hands immediately clasping them to her in shock. She looked down and saw the most beautiful face she'd ever seen: the child had Anna's hair for certain, with long eyelashes and full lips pouted in sleep. She could feel the tears in her eyes again.

"I can't take her."

"You can and you will." She looked up at Kristoff. "I don't know what's going on with you, but Anna has spent the last year believing that you hated her. You shut her out completely, especially when she needed you most. That ends now."

"Kristoff, I can't control it."

His brows furrowed. "You're controlling it right now."

"The ice is in my fingers. Everything I touch freezes. I can't- I can't…" She began to sob. "I can't hurt her again! I can't hurt anyone again! I stayed away to keep her safe!"

Kristoff looked at her gloved hands, still clutching the sleeping baby. "I think you need a reminder that you are stronger than you know." He turned to leave. "Anna needs to sleep. You'll watch the baby for her until she wakes up."

Panic shot thru her. "Kristoff, no, I can't-"

"Yes, you can," he replied softly. He turned and positively glowed at the infant in her arms. "She already loves you, you see."

He was gone before she could think of a reply.

She called for a fire to be started, and settled in a great armchair beside the flames. The baby continued to sleep, sometimes snuffling or shifting in the blankets. Elsa would tense whenever she did, but the baby didn't wake and she would relax. A warmth began to course thru her as she studied her niece's features. She would be another Arendelle beauty when she grew up, that was for certain. Elsa began to smile and sing softly as she rocked the baby, and the warm feeling inside began to spread. She could even feel a tingling in her fingertips. With great care, she slowly pulled off one of her gloves.

The blue had gone. The swirls of ice on her skin had melted.

She gently placed a fingertip on the baby's cheek, and nothing happened. She smiled. Nothing happened. The child was perfectly fine. She was fine. She would rather die than harm her most precious niece, her new piece of Anna.

"I'm your Aunt Elsa, baby," she cooed. "And I will love you for forever."

A sniffle caused her to look up; Anna stood in the doorway, her eyes swimming with tears and her hand over her mouth. Elsa stood.

"Anna, I-"

She didn't have time to say a word. Anna was across the room and embracing her before she could think.

"I thought you hated me… I thought you were angry with me…"

"No, Anna, no," Elsa said softly, holding her sister with the baby gentled wedged between them. "It was my fault, it was all the old fears… it wasn't you. I promise, it wasn't you."

The baby squirmed and started to mewl softly, and the sisters broke apart. Anna took the baby in her arms and smiled at her, then turned to her sister. "She needs you to stay, Elsa. Please, _please_ , no more running away."

She nodded, and felt the last of the ice within her melt again.

"No more running away."

Epilogue

She never harmed another soul again.


End file.
